My Monster in my head.

“Not Mine”

I feel stuck… Days pass by but it’s like I’m standing in one place… Better yet it feels as if there are pieces of me scattered through my past.. Everything that happened last year and has happened this year has taken something from me. Pieces of me all small… But its as if life tired me to a merry go around and turned the speed to max and broke the controls off.

I think…

I honestly don’t even feel like me anymore. A new budding flower I guess you can say that’s me. Only thing is I don’t know what flower I’m? Life and everything has changed so much and so fast but it has also stood still. I have put so much off that I should have Accomplished in my teens but nope I put it off or it was never a high priority in my life….. Trust me they should have been on TOP but can’t go back and change that fact now. I know I can start making them one now. That’s the thing I just can’t find the SPARK or find the Motivation For me, every day is the same day.

So August is almost over and done with? I’m currently trying to get back balanced ‘don’t think it will happen” But I know the suns around the corner. This year and last year have been some of the toughest so far… I feel like parts of me have also passed with my lost loved ones. I still haven’t talked about me holding my grandmother’s hand when she took her last breath… So many emotions I have just pushed deep down and locked away.
I know its not good to just push stuff down but with everything going on right now. No one can honestly handle me crying my eyes out about passed loved ones. Happy is the only thing I want to be/feel but somehow I cant? Some day I feel a small spark but it never lasts long. It always fades back into grays and shades of how life used to be. I hate that I’m in a place in my life where I want to be happy but Cant?
My body can’t help make all the right chemicals… But life goes on right?
See I made this blog to scream out my feelings and hopefully help someone else in the prosses. To be real I’m twenty-six no G.E.D no plan on what to do…Right now though due to everything that has happened this year has my mental health state is in a deep low… I’m hoping this fall that will change. See The mixed Biplaor I have lows in spring and some times summer but normally have better Ups in the fall. Although this fall may be hard due to the losses of last year…..

If you’re still reading this “THANK YOU” it has taken me like two weeks to write this… A.k.a starting and stoping or just walking away and not bothering with it. But I have rambled about that long enough. It’s so funny I had a point to this post once I started writing it. Till net time.

Sleep Paralysis

So before I post my account on sleep paralysis… I will tell you, my Partners, first. 

  " SLEEP PARALYSIS= is when, during waking up or falling asleep, a person is aware but unable to move or speak. During an episode, one may hallucinate (hear, feel, or see things that are not there), which often results in fear."

Last year we moved to where we live now on a lake in the boonies. The only thing we know about the place before we got it was the man who lived here last was a priest. So fast forward to us moving in. Our first week we started out sleeping in the master bedroom. James did not like the vibe he got from the closet in the master bedroom. I just told him it was a new house…
Later that week we went to bed as normal as always.

James woke up to the feeling something was in the room but could not move… As he looked around he saw nothing but felt it… He finely woke up and told me the next morning. That was the first of a few episodes he has had.
Now I know it is comen for people to have it once in a blue moon. Or so I thought to see the last one he had before we relocated out bedroom… That time he did something I didn’t know you could do which is fight back. See this time when it happened James was starting it face to face… He put everything he could and swung his arm towards it in this he also woke up.

The following morning I blessed the house “Live on facebook” that night and honestly I thought it worked… Because after that night not much happened no more sleep paralysis… The only thing that still happens even to this day is we can hear people carrying a convention on but it’s like were just far enough away to not make out what is being said. Also, we have both been ghost hunting so we know how to make sure it’s not something normal making the sounds.

So fast forward to last week when we had the Full moon Eclipse that night I had Sleep paralysis… Yes, I have had it a hand full of times throughout my life. But this time was on a whole new leave I didn’t even know could happen!?!?! Also, you should know “I know this sounds wired” but we sleep in what would normally be a living room. A.C works better and were not use to so much room. “3 Beed room one full bath and a half bath” Anyway we have two sheets hung One going into the hallway and the other going in the kitchen. ” Keep the Cool air in the living room”

So our bed faces the doorway to the kitchen and the kitchen light shines though the sheet leading into the kitchen. See that night we went to bed as normal laying in bed watching a movie wanting for sleep to find us..
See this time I didn’t even know I had fallen asleep! See me and James were talking and out of the corner of my eye, I saw a “LIGHT phenomena ” or an Orb I told James then I remember having a random thought about our front door being locked or unlocked. Right then I heard the front door squeak and open. That’s when fear flood my body as I lay facing the sheet leading into the kitchen I saw ” A roughly 9 foot tall black skinny being reaching its hand though the sheet and its other hand pulling it back to step out in the living room. That’s when I tried to scream and get away…

Only at this point did I realize not only was I asleep but that I could not move and I had been asleep way longer then I thought. Just as I was trying to scream James was trying to wake me up kinda freaking out because this is not like me. After a minute I finely woke up long enough to tell James what I saw… This is where it gets kinda freaky See in my half-sleep half wake sate I told James I saw a 10-foot skinny tall goat-man…….

So following this episode my Anxiety\ Mixed bipolar/ emotions have been all over the place… Also, my sleep has been rough… I either wake up feeling as I have gotten no sleep or I wake to feel as if I was hit by a train also every night sens the full moon…

So have you ever had Sleep paralysis? If so what happens to you? Did anything strange happen the following night?

Dancing With The Siren

Let’s be real for a while.

So honestly being 26 I can’t remember when? or where I was when I found the one thing I had been looking for without even knowing it… But I do remember that first sip of it…
Little did I know at the time but that fateful one sip would intertwine me in a battle that will probably last till I take my last breath…..

See I have always been around her. She has sung her sweet Siren song to many Men and woman in my family and life. See the thing is about Her song… Its pure honey, ecstasy, pure courage, pure LIQUID LIFE some have gone Made with just a few NOTES…
Imagine you had a thirst that nothing would touch? The coldest purest water on the Hottest day of the year would do nothing… From the youngest memory, I have of this unquenchable thirst nothing ever relieved? Until that first Sip… That was the day I started my dance with this Life sucking Siren… She had many names and many faces. See I’m very shy and because of insecurities, social anxiety and puberty let just say I Never saw my self as a TEN.

Her sweet song made all that go away!! I could/can talk to anyone, dance, sing, be me with holding back… I was Free for the first time in my life I was not surrounded by an Invisible wall was gone… It always made me feel ALIVE in a way I never knew could be. It wrapped me in a warm fire that would just make everything UGLY, cold, lifeless, in humanness about my life and the world. It brought life, color, joy, happiness back into my world. Being drunk off her song connected me to the Universe! Better yet all of my doudts missed trust in my self goes away…

If you have read my other post you will understand why this Dance with the siren… Honestly, the Name succubus fits better in my head. But if you have then you know I have ” BIPOLAR/MIXED-DEPRESSION” which means ME and the Siren don’t mix well at all. Over time and depending on how much I intake of her song… It slowly or rapidly poisons my brain, mind, body, thoughts, emotions, my spirit, and soul…
The songs effects only last for as long as your body can process it out. So for me the next day or when I was sober. My already unbalanced Body and the brain becomes even more unbalanced… To the point where I’m drowning in a kaleidoscope of dark, cold, self-hating, self-loathing thoughts and feelings of pure numbness. It turns me to a different person in good and bad ways. It all depends on my surroundings and mood.

I wish I could end this post with I never dance the dance but sadly I do… But its something I’m working on every day.

A Day In My Head.

So 2019 has already been one hell of a journey so far. I know what it feels like to be laid off and everything you have been building up! Come crashing down around you like a bag Jango turn. See the place which I won’t Name had been open for like 40 years. To me and most of everyone who worked there, it was job security. So we thought as most of the workers were all informed we no longer had our jobs. One hell of a way to start the new year right? So fast forward to now, I found a job at a general store “that’s what I’ll call it” at first it was the perfect job. Great hours, great coworkers and my boss… ill skip my thought on all the details. Let’s just say a New job and changes of pace is just what I need. Because all that goodness faded fast just like all the hours I was getting.

See when it comes to my job whatever it may be at the time. I put 110% into being the best worker I can be! You need someone to cover a shift? Sure when do you need me? I make sure I do everything by the book if I can! That’s because most other eras of my life I don’t always have 100% control over my own body or mind. See having high anxiety can be hard but add that with Mixed Bipolar every day is or can be hell. A hell worth living, yes but it gets hard. Day after day battle to have the Motivation to get out of bed or wash a few dishes… Not all days are like this or even weeks at a time can be good weeks. With my kind of depression\bipolar, I tend to have longer states of depression mix that with the WHAT IF THOUGHTS and RACING THOUGHTS it can be a living nightmare… Lucky for me My partner is very understanding about the Constantly needing HIS reassurance that we’re Okay. That I haven’t said something dumb or that I talk too much.

See that’s how my minds think most of the time. As I have gotten older I have learned how to tell the difference from my anxious thoughts and my own. Now when I have an up or manic state with high and anxiety… Now that I a living hell your minds going so fast your body and most people can’t keep up with it with your anxiety fueling the thoughts… But there are also great things that come from all the bipolar symptoms. I love to paint and honestly anything to do with art! Photography, making videos, music, singing honestly everything about the arts! I also have a very deep passion for all my hobbies and dreams.

Now when it comes to being Social that has always been a struggle. For some reason, I’m either really SHY or am the life of the party who wants everyone to be where I’m at!! It also depends on the group or person it takes me a while to warm up and open up to everyone. You could say I have the soul of a Social Butterfly trapped in an INTROVERTS BODY!! But that’s my life and hopefully one day I will break out of my shy cocoon and spread my wings in till then ill keep being the shy guy who has so much to say but never speaks…

Well to everyone who I didn’t bore away with this post. THANKS FOR READING 🙂

Me…

So I guess I should explain why this blog was made? Well, I’m twenty-six. I live in Florida with my boyfriend of almost four years now with our three Cats… I was born in Alabama and spent most of my life in Alabama… I have Bipolar- “Mixed features”, Severe Anxiety with P.T.S.D… So I have good days and bad weeks. But last years was a rough year… This year has been the same with me losing my aunt Tammy on fathers day… Her doctor told us\her she would not make it past April… October of last year I lost my grandmother and a dear friend….. Honesty due to “My grandmother and Aunt Tammy Health issues was the cause of there passing. “I’ll make a post on their stories later” Due to that fact me coming to the terms of there passing was less hard shall I bodily say.

This person was my FIRST LOVE, Best friend, Worst Enemy, and Ghost….. We both helped one another saver most of our teen years and some of our young adult years… “Ghost” he was. See our friendship was, to say the least complected. See think Lady and tramp story but Bro mans mixed with bisexuality and a coming of age Romeo and Romeo love-hate story set in the small southern town. That was our story. But all that came crashing down around me when I was informed he passed away due to What happened this past Thursday on the other hand. This person was my FIRST LOVE, Best friend, worst en-mi and “Ghost”….. We both helped one another saver most of our teen years and some of our young adult years… That was our story. But all that came crashing down around me when I was informed he passed away due to accidental self-shooting….. See if you ever knew GHOST you knew he loved “GUNS”. A small town in Alabama remembers its kinda raised in us. But Ghost knew everyone and everyone knew him. In school, it was the same he knew everyone and everyone knew him. He has a way of making an impression only if it was in passing. I’ll make a post for him also.

So that’s what’s going on in my life as of today. Trying to cope with Ghost no longer being with us…… Just typing that I felt as if I could just smash everything and scream and just break… Or I would clasp in on my self.. See losing someone grieving someone is the one thing no one teaches you in life.. Or how to grief someone and still keep your life together…..