So I have to get this shit out of my head before I snap and speak the words…. So for some who read this, some will roll your eyes, others will relate I hope.
So I’m 26 ill be 27 next year I grew up mainly with no man in the father’s seat “Real father in Prison” So I was raised by my Mother who stepped up and took the role of both! So I have seen my mother break her back working two jobs! She made sure everything we needed, we had. So not to get too much yet into the back story. I’ll say this what we saw or thought we saw as kids is a lie! I believe all of us in our kid’s minds, we had “Glitter” on everything…
What does that mean? Well, I remember very well the day that the “glitter filter” I had over my Mother. Now before I go into this I will state we all go through things I understand that. This is just to get everything out of my mind. See as I got older and I did not follow in the footsteps of my Brother or cousins! Aka no jail or prison. See I stayed to myself growing up with that I was always hanging out around adults instead of kids. So with that, I also grew up in a southern family so I had already been the trusted secret keeper! What that meant was from an early age, the family member always loved to tell me or say things around me no one else was supposed to know! With that, theSee being a kid, no matter what I was on my mother’s side! Always defended her when I could! Only to find out nothing was as I saw it a neurotic, but he hid it very well from Her! But for me, nope saw right though two months of living with him… See my mother always had a problem with getting wrapped up in the dream of a husband and a white picketed fence! But as an adult, I see both sides her side and my side. That’s what’s hard… There is so much that would have never happened if she would have said no… Or if she never lost her sight or her throat now I’m not blaming her at all. Not the point I’m trying to get across. filter I had around my mother was popped!
It may sound like that but it’s way more complicated then it seems. Being a kid then turning into an Adult is so freaking weird how no one talks about it! Anyway, see everything that has happened this year and the last. It has ripped any blinders I have ever had on towards my own family and blood. The glue to our family passed this year. Sens then everything is not what I thought it was. Due to that and the fact my mother left her husband because he lied his hands on her again… So she had enough but five days later then went back… I can’t do it anymore, how do you walk right back into the bear’s den? Then act like nothing had happened the following day towards me? As much as I want to go screaming and cussing her out I know it won’t do any good. I also don’t want to be that person anymore. I walked away from my rage last year’s hardest fight I have ever had. But I won and chose peace and not raging. I’m about to start a new chapter in a way next year… I will be cutting my mother off for a few years or aka Space. But shes just can’t have a face to face talk about what’s going on. She just shuts down so I thinking about cutting her out. See next year I’m going to be focusing on my Mental Health and self-love! Next year will be the year that I go head to head with my past, My Demons, all the trama and pain I have been through in my life… Going to take it all head-on find the Roots and heal them from blow to top! I will learn to love every each of me inside and out! I will take all my power back! All the power and control that was ripped from me I will get it back!! I’m going to stop running from my past and become one with it. 2021 Ill be a whole new person! So with that being said. Let’s see how the end of this year goes!
So I know I have barely posted on this blog. I go through spurts of “My ups” But that’s my life which is crazy that I’m trying to build a soiled foundation. See I don’t know quite yet what this will all turn into but I know I will change the world. Or at least change people’s perspective on the world around them. See due to one conversation I had last summer with a Dear friend who is no longer with us. It showed me that no matter what my mind tells me or my twisted self-image I have of my self is not right! If anything it’s my true shadow self…
But that one night under the stars next to a raging fire my WHOLE Perspective changed. See the one thing I have never lost though the storms of life are My Dreams! No matter how crazy or insane they may sound, no matter how many people told/tell me their pipe dreams or Not realistic they are. I will never stop believing in them I have never stopped trying. See three years ago I barely have any followers on anything. Now I have people all around the world who love to hear what I say. I also have an amazing partner who cheers me on during my dark days. Six years and counting I have found someone who I don’t drive crazy Well crazy enough to walk away.
So with that being said I honestly don’t know where I was heading. See I have been behind this key bored for about an hour trying to type all of this. My ADHD is cray today but I’m going to post something. May not make seans to the world but it will to me. I will also be making my self due to something and hopefully teach my self to push through as much as I can without overdoing it. Which that in itself can be very hard but for some reason, I keep pushing.
I have been on a chase for the longest of time. Something that was mine at one point or another..I May not have been in this life but another. Yes, I do believe strongly in past lives. Anyways I fell for someone I can’t have… Or so I thought but times have changed and so do we… We have grown up and changed…
So three years ago I had a choice to make.. Stay or go…
…. I picked go… I left not only to protect some dear people to me… but I thought that’s what I wanted… For three years I tried to forget what I left be hide… Who I left behind… Not because I hated them… But because my leaving meant ever promises I made to them was a lie… When I made them it wasn’t a lie…
I tried to get them… To try and detail with the pain I was and still, am feeling… I live with what I did every waking day of my life… But in those three years, I never forgot them… I learn to bury the memories and feelings I had for them… You know nothing stays buried away forever. There was always something that triggered them and they all came rushing back tenfold!!
So what does all this have to do with chasing a Ghost? Yull see…
So I went three years selfishly thing I was the one in pain… I didn’t think what the people I left behind was going through… I may never know but I do know one thing it did help us all Grow up and realize how cold of a heartless BITCH this world is!!
Oh and I know it was wrong of me to lead someone on like I did… But I did not I did love him… No, he did not have all of my heart but he did have some… I thought if I could love him a little in time it wound grow… And it did.. Just not all the way. Till it went away… I have done things I never thought I wound… I have seen stuff I never thought I wound….. But back on the ghost thing… If I never wound have left I mite have finely had the ghost… But I realized something very important a dear friend once told me… You cant go back no matter how hard you try you cant… Life just doesn’t work like that…
Last night I finely realized what he had meant by that… I wanted to go back to how everything was before I left. But I cant so the only thing left to do is Go foreword… Start over new again… We all changed in those three years I was gone… I wanted to come back and everything fall in to place like in the movies… but life ant like that… So will I ever finally catch my ghost..? Or will I never catch and just keep Chasing it? I use to spend hours just thinking of that very question. But Last night I came to realized I didn’t care if I did or didn’t because I know one day I will Catch that ghost! I have wanted five years… I can wait for a lifetime… Because in any way I am still in that ghost’s life!
I do want to say that if anyone is reading this and if your one of the People in the post I am sorry I left!
But I can’t change what had already happened! But I will prove to you all day by day that I am not going anywhere this time!!
So today is Mabon of 2019. So much has happened since this time last year. This time last year my world was flipped upside down. Stressed to the max… My grandmother’s health was just slowly going downhill. She was in the hospital more than she was out. Little did anyone know that only 14 days from today she would finally be free…..
I can say the last few months I lived with her. I can’t even put it into words of how that Woman changed my life. She no matters what would always help someone out. See I thought her passing would be the thing that would break me. Only it strengthened in the way see I had to be the strong one the shoulder to cry on. Thinking back on it seeing my mother’s heartbreak affected me the most. Also, knowing one day I would be in her shoes… As much as our world doesn’t really talk about death. Most western culture shuns death away. The only time it’s brought up is when someone has passed. Then and only then do family try to explain what Death is or why it’s part of life. True in a very sick way if ya think about it. We have cartoons to teach us that death is all part of life.
Though I think it needs to be something that is talked about at the dinner table. I was raised southern baptist true I’m no longer on that Path. I did, however, learn something in Sunday class one morning. I was thought that it sates in the Bible that death is to be celebrated and at birth; you are supposed to cry. For some reason that stuck with me. Little did I know then I would see death in a light like no other.
See I was beside my grandmother holding her hand as she lay in bed in her final hours. See due to all the complications she had to be put on a ventilator to give her lungs a rest and her body. She was also a do not resuscitate so fast forward to that night. She stayed with us 18 hours after she was taken off the ventilator. About 3;45 am that night she would take her last breath holding my hand. sounded by her Sister my great aunt and of course my mom. But death would not leave our family… On October 30 The world also lost an amazing soul Dolores D. Chapman or AKA Tiptoe Chick! Youtube will never be the same. I followed her for 12 years and got to talk to her and become friends. from the very moment, I saw her first YouTube video It was like I was meeting an old friend from a far off time. There’s not a day that goes by I don’t miss them.
So by January of this year, my life was getting back to normal. I had been back in Florida for 3 months had a job back at the old restaurant. Little did I know that was about to be gone as well. So fast forward to fathers day of this year, my aunt Passed away as well. It wasn’t in till the 4th of July that everything about death would hit me smack in the face. That day I would receive a text that afternoon on Facebook. Right as I read the short text. My whole world and everything I thought I knew about this world or life would screech to a Holt. My first love and best friend had his life cut way too short… See I guess I had it in my head that I and a small group of friends would be the ones to make it through all the worlds bull shit. I guess you could say I thought we were supermen and women. In that one moment, I realized nothing last for every and bad things always happen to the good. Now He and I had a very complicated history. I have so many stories I could tell but I’m not the only in them and I feel like I would be telling stuff that’s not my place to say. I will say this. His that person you only meet once in the lifetime.
Another Old one. Link to the old blog below. Enjoy
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
The Hudson House… In Alabama.
The Hudson House is an old house up in the mountains in Clay county Alabama its reportedly haunted… The history of the house not much is known about the real history about the land and the house the most I could dig up is (that it was built in 1905 by Charles & William K. Hudson for their brother John I. Hudson. Their father who was killed in the Civil War was the original landowner. I don’t know how long they lived in the home but John I. Hudson died in 1966. To the best of family lore, nothing dramatic ever happened in the house. It is in the middle of nowhere although at one time this was a mining community) its on an old dirt road there two ways you can get to it… So what are some of the numerous alleged accounts; some say you can hear a baby cry,a dog panting or growling,you can hear voices or screams and footsteps,face the front of the house and feel a tap on your shoulder by an unseen hand and if your skin ant crawling or you don’t have goosebumps by now then this sound do it for you there is even a freakishly dark figure who enjoys running back and forth across the roof.
So if you’re still reading this and ant in a corner-hugging across then you’re brave because I went to the Hudson House today along with my fiance Josh my mom in law and her friend. I am not going to lie going to the haunted house gives me trills! We found it pretty easy (oh one thing you should know about me and my fiance Josh is that we are Wicca or Pagan I have been practicing sens I was THIRTEEN and Josh has been practicing sens he was THIRTEEN also so we know how to handle our self’s and were both GIFTED ) Any way back to my store as we pulled up you could feel the thick energy it was pouring off the house! So we parked and all jumped out we walked around the house you could feel the thick energy flowing off of it. We looked all around to try and get a sense of what happened? Right off the bat, I sensed a female sprite a male sprite but something was off….. There is and were something else there something dark and ancient…
No, I am not saying a demon well Not one in the Christian sens see I don’t believe in some all-powerful hoarded dud with a tail and a goat head that sits around and control demons. Now my “definition” on a Demon is an entity that is old older then well us its not always evil but is attracted to a lot of sorrow, pain, and negative emotions and or energy. I have found out that when you have a house or place that has had a bloody or hares history and there Ghost involved then one of these demons shows up and can trap them there… Anyways back to the topic, I sensed that the man was mentally ill and was a drunk and killed his wife and possibly buried her there on the property. We may never know the truth but that what I got. Josh was the first to go inside the house one of the tines on the window was off and the glass broke out then I went in there was a lot of junk in it. We did not get to walk through it but I walked to the hall and look down and saw a black finger standing there in a doorway.
The sens I got off the finger was to get out it did not want us there at all!! The room across the door where I was standing at it as were most of the energy was coming from. I had a hard time breathing when I was on the side of the house… The other woman who was with us got cut on her finger and did not know it not a bad one but it did bleed and she did not go inside the house. Josh reading was that was a man murder his wife and that there still there and the demon thing did not want us there. Now I do want anyone who is reading this to know that you can believe me or not I know what I sensed and no I am not crazy and that when I and josh do a reading we don’t tell one a nether till we are gone from the house. Now you know my store you can believe me or not! I don’t care which you do really. Just don’t go messing around with stuff you don’t know much about!!!! I would also like to add there is no power what so ever going to that house, not even a power line!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So this was posted on my older blog link to it below. Enjoy.
Hell’s Gate Bridge Alabama
Saturday, November 3, 2012
So Last night me and 3 friends went to go find the Hell’s Gate Bridge in oxford. I don’t know much about it besides the stories i have herd the main one is that you drive a cross the bridge and you look be hide you and you see the gates of hell hits the name. There is all so this one many years ago a young couple lost their lives on this bridge. On a dark night, if you stop on the bridge and turn off all the lights, a member of the dead couple will get into the vehicle, leaving a wet spot on the seat. That’s really all the history i could find on it. I do know how ever most people will tell you that the road to it is closed off now that is true to a degree but the road we found the gate was open so we drove down a very narrow some times claustrophobic old road that they closed off because they built the new highway. So as we pull the the end of the line me and two of the people got out you can feel the strong energy flowing off it! I walked around the huge cinder block wall and walk on the bridge i had to let my eye adjust the the darkness and when they did i walk more down the bridge i know i did not go far when i saw three dark skinny fingers standing at the other end of the bridge cold chills when down my spine and went all over my body. All most the same time i said stop go back one of the guys that were with me said i got a bad feeling and started to head back to the car. So we bolted back to the car as our hearts were pounding we back up and herd a sound that i know sens chills down to ever one in the car it was the mix of a pissed cat and metal being warped. So we trund around and head back to were we came in out when the guy that was driving stoped the care and said listen he said he herd people whispering really fast like. We started the car back up and left