Losing Your childhood Blinders…

So I have to get this shit out of my head before I snap and speak the words….
So for some who read this, some will roll your eyes, others will relate I hope.

So I’m 26 ill be 27 next year I grew up mainly with no man in the father’s seat “Real father in Prison” So I was raised by my Mother who stepped up and took the role of both! So I have seen my mother break her back working two jobs! She made sure everything we needed, we had. So not to get too much yet into the back story. I’ll say this what we saw or thought we saw as kids is a lie! I believe all of us in our kid’s minds, we had “Glitter” on everything…

What does that mean? Well, I remember very well the day that the “glitter filter” I had over my Mother. Now before I go into this I will state we all go through things I understand that. This is just to get everything out of my mind. See as I got older and I did not follow in the footsteps of my Brother or cousins! Aka no jail or prison. See I stayed to myself growing up with that I was always hanging out around adults instead of kids. So with that, I also grew up in a southern family so I had already been the trusted secret keeper! What that meant was from an early age, the family member always loved to tell me or say things around me no one else was supposed to know! With that, theSee being a kid, no matter what I was on my mother’s side! Always defended her when I could! Only to find out nothing was as I saw it a neurotic, but he hid it very well from Her! But for me, nope saw right though two months of living with him… See my mother always had a problem with getting wrapped up in the dream of a husband and a white picketed fence! But as an adult, I see both sides her side and my side.
That’s what’s hard… There is so much that would have never happened if she would have said no… Or if she never lost her sight or her throat now I’m not blaming her at all. Not the point I’m trying to get across. filter I had around my mother was popped!

It may sound like that but it’s way more complicated then it seems. Being a kid then turning into an Adult is so freaking weird how no one talks about it! Anyway, see everything that has happened this year and the last. It has ripped any blinders I have ever had on towards my own family and blood. The glue to our family passed this year. Sens then everything is not what I thought it was. Due to that and the fact my mother left her husband because he lied his hands on her again… So she had enough but five days later then went back… I can’t do it anymore, how do you walk right back into the bear’s den? Then act like nothing had happened the following day towards me? As much as I want to go screaming and cussing her out I know it won’t do any good. I also don’t want to be that person anymore. I walked away from my rage last year’s hardest fight I have ever had. But I won and chose peace and not raging.
I’m about to start a new chapter in a way next year… I will be cutting my mother off for a few years or aka Space. But shes just can’t have a face to face talk about what’s going on. She just shuts down so I thinking about cutting her out. See next year I’m going to be focusing on my Mental Health and self-love! Next year will be the year that I go head to head with my past, My Demons, all the trama and pain I have been through in my life… Going to take it all head-on find the Roots and heal them from blow to top! I will learn to love every each of me inside and out! I will take all my power back! All the power and control that was ripped from me I will get it back!!
I’m going to stop running from my past and become one with it. 2021 Ill be a whole new person! So with that being said. Let’s see how the end of this year goes!

Chasing a Ghost…

An Older post from my old blog.

Chasing a ghost.. for Five years…

I have been on a chase for the longest of time. Something that was mine at one point or another..I May not have been in this life but another. Yes, I do believe strongly in past lives. Anyways I fell for someone I can’t have… Or so I thought but times have changed and so do we… We have grown up and changed…

So three years ago I had a choice to make.. Stay or go…

…. I picked go… I left not only to protect some dear people to me… but I thought that’s what I wanted… For three years I tried to forget what I left be hide… Who I left behind… Not because I hated them… But because my leaving meant ever promises I made to them was a lie… When I made them it wasn’t a lie…

I tried to get them… To try and detail with the pain I was and still, am feeling… I live with what I did every waking day of my life… But in those three years, I never forgot them… I learn to bury the memories and feelings I had for them… You know nothing stays buried away forever. There was always something that triggered them and they all came rushing back tenfold!!

So what does all this have to do with chasing a Ghost? Yull see…

So I went three years selfishly thing I was the one in pain… I didn’t think what the people I left behind was going through… I may never know but I do know one thing it did help us all Grow up and realize how cold of a heartless BITCH this world is!!

Oh and I know it was wrong of me to lead someone on like I did… But I did not I did love him… No, he did not have all of my heart but he did have some… I thought if I could love him a little in time it wound grow… And it did.. Just not all the way. Till it went away… I have done things I never thought I wound… I have seen stuff I never thought I wound….. But back on the ghost thing… If I never wound have left I mite have finely had the ghost… But I realized something very important a dear friend once told me… You cant go back no matter how hard you try you cant… Life just doesn’t work like that…

Last night I finely realized what he had meant by that… I wanted to go back to how everything was before I left. But I cant so the only thing left to do is Go foreword… Start over new again… We all changed in those three years I was gone… I wanted to come back and everything fall in to place like in the movies… but life ant like that… So will I ever finally catch my ghost..? Or will I never catch and just keep Chasing it? I use to spend hours just thinking of that very question. But Last night I came to realized I didn’t care if I did or didn’t because I know one day I will Catch that ghost! I have wanted five years… I can wait for a lifetime… Because in any way I am still in that ghost’s life!

I do want to say that if anyone is reading this and if your one of the People in the post I am sorry I left!

But I can’t change what had already happened! But I will prove to you all day by day that I am not going anywhere this time!!

https://anoldsoulinanewlife.blogspot.com/2013/06/chasing-ghost.html?m=1 Unknown at 11:34 AM

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Me…

So I guess I should explain why this blog was made? Well, I’m twenty-six. I live in Florida with my boyfriend of almost four years now with our three Cats… I was born in Alabama and spent most of my life in Alabama… I have Bipolar- “Mixed features”, Severe Anxiety with P.T.S.D… So I have good days and bad weeks. But last years was a rough year… This year has been the same with me losing my aunt Tammy on fathers day… Her doctor told us\her she would not make it past April… October of last year I lost my grandmother and a dear friend….. Honesty due to “My grandmother and Aunt Tammy Health issues was the cause of there passing. “I’ll make a post on their stories later” Due to that fact me coming to the terms of there passing was less hard shall I bodily say.

This person was my FIRST LOVE, Best friend, Worst Enemy, and Ghost….. We both helped one another saver most of our teen years and some of our young adult years… “Ghost” he was. See our friendship was, to say the least complected. See think Lady and tramp story but Bro mans mixed with bisexuality and a coming of age Romeo and Romeo love-hate story set in the small southern town. That was our story. But all that came crashing down around me when I was informed he passed away due to What happened this past Thursday on the other hand. This person was my FIRST LOVE, Best friend, worst en-mi and “Ghost”….. We both helped one another saver most of our teen years and some of our young adult years… That was our story. But all that came crashing down around me when I was informed he passed away due to accidental self-shooting….. See if you ever knew GHOST you knew he loved “GUNS”. A small town in Alabama remembers its kinda raised in us. But Ghost knew everyone and everyone knew him. In school, it was the same he knew everyone and everyone knew him. He has a way of making an impression only if it was in passing. I’ll make a post for him also.

So that’s what’s going on in my life as of today. Trying to cope with Ghost no longer being with us…… Just typing that I felt as if I could just smash everything and scream and just break… Or I would clasp in on my self.. See losing someone grieving someone is the one thing no one teaches you in life.. Or how to grief someone and still keep your life together…..